Friday, 21 June 2013

How To Run Everything Smoothly In Modern Society

I know I shouldn't laugh at certain things in this day and age, but I always will.

Knocking the NHS is really easy, and I know capitalists and ultraconservatives do it frequently. I myself do it, although this has been largely when I've had a loved one on a ward staffed by one nurse, one doctor, two consultant golfers practitioners, a ward manager, a customer interaction manager, three H&S managers, a HR representative, and their team of 6 essential clerical staff. Because Angry Birds won't play itself.

I laughed at the news about the Care Quality Commission. It would appear that not only did the organisation cover up some serious issues with the management infrastructure and staffing levels of (a) particular hospital(s) but they also thought it appropriate to shred the evidence. Worse still, it transpires that the people initially responsible for suggesting everything was "okay" have no medical background other than how to buy paracetamol and Google "NHS". Yes, the CQC admitted that people involved in the decision-making and analysis of our dedicated medical professionals had no professional experience or qualifications to perform the role they were in.

I'm not surprised. It's a bit like appointing a bit-part actor and tabloid journalist as, for example, Secretary of State for Education. Or, perhaps, having major child welfare issues and assessments determined by data entry clerks and HR managers as opposed to seasoned, professional social workers with a background in psychology and field experience. Maybe it's even like having a major engineering company that the nation depends on run by people with massive experience in accountancy and banking... who can't change a lightbulb.

So, bearing all these brilliant decisions in mind, I think we can further improve the infrastructure and management of the entire nation by making the following appointments:


  • Foreign Secretary: Jim Davidson. Comedian Jim has a wealth of experience in detailing foreign people. He understands not only "wogs", but also "poofs". In a time where Britain is coming to understand that radical Islamists don't like people from their culture, and that they also don't like women being able to do as they have every right to, not to mention having a distaste for homosexuality, there can be no better person to send out - at massive taxpayer expense - than a violent racist homophobe under suspicion of being a sexual abuser.
  • Work and Pensions: Spongebob Squarepants. Although not a real person, or in fact a real species, Spongebob would be the ideal candidate to deal with affairs related to both the infirmity of the elderly and work-related issues. Having no concept of old age, Spongebob is one of those characters (like Top Cat - future Justice Minister) that has a broad appeal to all ages. In this age of fast-paced animation and government-fuelled nonsense media hype there is no reason why the public can't have trust in a square with no clear morality, who talks nonsense, and appeals to the lowest common denominator. Right, London? You twats.
  • Transport: This is a tiny island in the big scheme of the world, right? How hard can it be to determine when you can be somewhere, and when? Not difficult at all! So, as pretty much everyone I have ever met will testify, the best people to run our transport infrastructure are London Cabbies. They know everything. It doesn't matter if it's related to someone broken down on the M9, or temporary traffic lights because of a burst water main in Chelmsford. You can guarantee a 45-year old Cockney would have managed the situation better from the driver's seat of a Ford Mondeo with no MOT certificate and no insurance than anyone else on the entire planet. And he will only charge you £80 for every mile he has to travel.
  • Children's Welfare: This week we saw a Nabokovian nightmare made real by the imprisoning of a man for abducting a child and forcing her to have sex with him. Or we saw the imprisonment of a misguided and stressed professional teacher for having an illicit relationship with a young woman. I don't know any more. I won't pretend to. No one even knows what a paedophile is. I know, but then I read Lolita when I was 19. So I know what a hebephile is, but I've not heard it mentioned in the mainstream media once. So in light of recent news there is no better candidate for determining the welfare of children than Rolf Harris. Find me a proven fault with Rolf for the job.
  • Finance: Barry Scott. "The dirt is gone" indeed. Firmly in the same field as Squarepants, Robert, Mr. Scott has touched the lives (although not genitals) of thousands of Britons. His marketing portfilio alone is enough to warrant him the role, although his evident charisma and ability to read a script may overqualify him for the role. Anyway: it's him or Keith Chegwin.
  • Home Office: James Gandolfini. Because he was a topical anorexic homosexual, and that's what our understanding of current Britain is all about. Apparently he was great in the Sabrinis.
  • Governor of the Bank of England: Mamoud Ahmedinoujad seems perfect. We complain about what he does overseas, but like most foreign investors in the UK, as soon as he looks for the cheap dollar and gets it from privatisation he's quids in and the press go quiet. Iran is about 200% less of a threat to the British way of life than British Governments selling off British industry is. Seriously: name me a British company you're proud of. I certainly can't. Professionally, at least.
  • King of England: Olly Murs. But only if he delcares war on the USA to impose the Glee Extermination Act. Because even a hippy liberal* like me can see the need for extermination camps. Honestly. Now, go discuss. And that's not an Olympic event, Mail and Sun readers.

    *Note to Americans and other aliens: find the actual worlds I meant there and win £10 worth of game credits on an online game of your choice! Find the words you think I fucking meant and win £1 of the same, over a timeframe that suits me and your hopeful treatment.

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